For most of my life, I have struggled with the question, “Who am I?” And I’ve been buying the wrong answers from the enemy, who is in the business of spiritual identity theft.

 

I was born in Cleveland, Ohio, in the 1970s. Not the easiest time or place to be Asian.

And to complicate matters, I didn’t even understand what kind of Asian I was: My parents had immigrated from Indonesia, but they weren’t ethnically Indonesian; they were of Chinese descent, born when Indonesia was still the Netherlands East Indies, and spoke Dutch instead of Mandarin.

Confusing? Imagine learning this at the age of five.

Not that any of it mattered in 1970s Ohio– when people saw me, they thought of the Vietnam War or Japanese imports entering the US market, costing local auto workers their jobs. (My family lived in Lorain, where Ford Motor Company once operated an assembly plant.)

People I had never met before expressed their contempt towards me based on things I had no control over.

It was rough. What was I to do?

I couldn’t find acceptance for who I was, but I quickly learned that I could earn respect by being good at what I did.

First, I was the kid who could draw. Dragons. Cartoon characters. Star Wars scenes.

Then, I was the kid who had the most toys in the neighborhood. (Mostly Star Wars toys.)

As a teenager, I became the guy who was good at martial arts. (My nickname was Ninja, not because of my stealth skills, but because I always carried throwing stars in my backpack.)

I had fallen for the lie that I am what I do or what I have, and my worth is based on my abilities or possessions.

My true identity had been stolen at an early age.

—–

I entered full-time ministry 11 years ago and started finding significance in being a pastor.

I was the prayer ministry pastor, so I was known as “the prayer guy” or sometimes, the “Ghostbuster.” I took pride in the fact that people would call me at all hours, day or night, when they needed spiritual help; I saw myself as being “the guy” on call to rescue others, a spiritual 9-1-1, a Ghostbuster sliding down a fire pole in the middle of the night.

Later, when I discerned a calling to Japan by seeing signs, I became “the guy who sees signs” and “the Japan guy.” While I was in Japan, I was “the American pastor who prays for people.” I was even called “the duck pastor” after the story of ducks confirming my sense of calling to Japan was published in a magazine there.

These identities just kept piling up.

My ministry career was going well. I was in good standing with our denomination, attended seminary on a scholarship, and had opportunities to lead ministries in Japan and here in So Cal.

I thought I had finally found my true identity: Stephen Bay, minister of the Lord.

But this was also a false identity.

—–

Last fall, an unexpected turn of events resulted in me relinquishing my pastoral role.

I lost my title, my ministry license, my standing with my denomination, and possibly my future with my missions organization and seminary education, both of which had been tied to my standing with the denomination.

What would I do now? I had been out of the secular workforce for over a decade.

What marketable skills did I have outside of a church?

Satan taunted me through this agonizing process: “You’ve been following God for 11 years, and what do you have to show for it? No job. No savings. Nothing. You are nothing.”

But I recognized these as lies. No matter what happened, I would always have God (Rom. 8:38-39).

Having a relationship with Him is all that matters, for I am His child.

I began to see my relationship with God through the lens of my own two children. My oldest does well in his endeavors and often brings home certificates of achievement. While I’m proud of him for accomplishing these things, I wouldn’t love him any less if he didn’t.

Does God the Father feel the same about me?

My youngest is all heart, a bundle of energy and passion who often runs up to me, jumps in my lap, and hugs me tightly without saying a word for minutes on end. He may or may not accomplish the same things as his brother, but I wouldn’t love him any more or any less either way.

God has been showing me that it’s OK for me to be like my youngest, jumping into our Heavenly Father’s lap and seeking comfort and rest in His embrace.

I can sit at His feet and not say a word, because He already knows what’s on my mind and my heart.

I don’t need to do anything or say anything to impress God, because I can’t. Really, what can any of us do to impress the Creator of the Universe?

So to answer the question, “What has God been doing in my life lately?”

I’ve been learning my true identity: I am God’s child, thanks to the work of Christ, and all He expects of me as a child is to obey, learn, and grow.

As I have been resting in Him over the past few months, I find myself cultivating more fruit of the Spirit.

Love.

Joy.

Peace.

Patience.

Kindness.

Goodness.

Gentleness.

Faithfulness.

Self-control.

“Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” (John 15:4-5 NIV)

Thank You, Abba.