What we have received is not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, so that we may understand what God has freely given us. This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, explaining spiritual realities with Spirit-taught words. (1 Cor. 2:12-13)
I was learning a lot as a new follower of Jesus, and I had begun to serve in ministry by leading my small group, but I still didn’t have a job, and though I knew that God was calling me to become a pastor someday, I didn’t think that would come true anytime soon.
I needed something to do in the meantime.
A few weeks after my show was canceled, I received word that the executive who gave us the axe was let go for canceling the show, which the network had invested so much into and wanted to build their branding around. The new management wanted to put the show back on track. “Awesome,” I thought. “I give my life to God and everything turns out in my favor.”
This was incorrect and immature thinking. But mind you, I was a baby Christian, less than a month old.
I was told that production on the show would resume after the new year, which was less than six weeks away. With no full-time duties to fulfill in the meantime, I could focus most of my energy and attention on leading my small group.
I had no prior experience leading a small group and didn’t take these responsibilities lightly, so I prayed, earnestly asking God for wisdom on how to lead.
An impression hit me: “Study the Bible, cover to cover. You need to know God’s word inside and out.”
I bought a new study bible and began reading every word of it, from Genesis to Revelation. I prepared for our weekly Bible studies by poring over study guides and commentaries. I attended any classes that were offered at church. The Holy Spirit used this time to grow me quickly, revealing multiple new insights to me each day, every day.
The new year rolled around. My writing partner, Tony, and I expected production to resume, but the network decided that they wanted to generate some buzz before premiering our first episode. They told us that they’d place an order for new episodes based on how well the first four episodes that we had completed were received. I wondered how serious they were about this; they assured me that the time and money being spent to promote the show was evidence of their commitment to seeing us succeed.
The premiere was planned for April 16th, nearly four months away. Soo and I couldn’t handle four more months on her paycheck alone. We discussed this and decided that looking for other work might not be the way to go, as I’d have to quit any new job I took within a few months when production resumed. I approached my parents for a loan to hold us over for the next four months, and they agreed.
I didn’t have much work to do, aside from doing some promotional interviews for the show. I now had even more time to spare, and for the next four months, “Small Group Leader” continued to be my full-time role. I spent my days praying, reading the Bible, and preparing our weekly lessons, making the most of my free time.
When we launched our small group with only four members, we believed that God would multiply us when He wanted to, and sure enough, He did. Within a few months, God brought together twelve people with very different personalities and backgrounds, but all with the same heart for God and for people, and through them, I learned what it means for us to be members of one body (1 Cor. 12:12-31). Though I was the newest Christian of the group, the other members were gracious to me, submitting to my leadership and gently nudging me in directions I needed to go.
I could see why God impressed upon me to join a small group: he was using this experience to train me to be able to work with different personality types, to instill in me a sense of responsibility for the spiritual growth of others, and to depend on the Holy Spirit for guidance.
Each small group was designated a shepherding pastor whom group leaders could contact at any time for support. I took advantage of this and asked our designated pastor any questions that came to mind. He was gracious, always making time for me.
I shared with him my burgeoning passion for Jesus, desperately wanting to do something for God out of my gratitude to Him. I was confused about my sense of calling, however, as I thought I’d go into ministry, but production on the show was set to resume, and a different pastor suggested that perhaps God was calling me to a new form of ministry through film-making. A fork in the road– which way was I supposed to go? This pastor suggested that I try a personal retreat, taking a day, or even just a few hours, to spend some quiet time with God at a park or at a beach.
Taking his advice, I packed my Bible, a pen, and a journal, and headed for Crystal Cove State Park, my favorite beach when I was growing up. However, as I was driving, I sensed the Holy Spirit nudging me to go to Balboa Peninsula instead. I ignored that sense, reasoning that “Balboa only has a stretch of sand and a pier. Crystal Cove will be a nicer place for a retreat– it has cliffs overlooking the sea, tide pools, crystal-clear waters.”
A question popped into my consciousness: “Are you going on this retreat to seek God, or are you just out to go to your favorite beach?”
I ignored it and reached an intersection where one road led to Balboa and the other to Crystal Cove.
Another fork in the road.
Even though I kept feeling like I was supposed to go to Balboa Peninsula, I thought I knew better and turned towards Crystal Cove instead. Under typical traffic conditions, it would have taken me less than ten minutes to get there from that intersection.
That day, it took me over thirty minutes to drive five miles.
Traffic was so heavy that by the time I arrived at the gates to Crystal Cove, I had less than an hour before the park would close, and I didn’t want to spend $10 on parking for such a brief amount of time.
I turned around and started heading for Balboa– the destination I felt I was supposed to go to in the first place.
I finally arrived at Balboa and found a secluded spot of sand on the beach. I prayed and quieted myself before the Lord, but didn’t get any more clarity regarding my sense of calling. I then went up onto the pier and sat on a bench, gazing out at the gorgeous sunset over the Pacific as I prayed and reflected. The call to ministry had seemed clearer when the show was canceled, but now that production was set to resume, I was confused as to what I was supposed to do.
Had I been discerning God’s will correctly?
I prayed and asked God if He could show me a sea lion to confirm that I had.
I got the impression that this would indeed happen. I then asked God to make the sea lion appear at the very spot I was staring at, at that very moment.
“You can make requests, but not demands. Don’t forget who God is.”
I was quickly put in my place, reminded once more that the sovereign God is no genie to be bossed around. I then continued to pray, asking for God to speak to me through His word. I read a passage from the Bible, which did speak to me, but not specifically about my sense of calling.
I moved to a different bench and prayed there, reading a different passage of the Bible, treating it almost like a Magic 8 Ball– if I keep shaking it, it’ll eventually give me a satisfactory answer.
But no answers regarding calling came up.
I walked around the pier, as if I could perhaps pick up a better signal by changing my position.
Still, nothing.
Six o’clock rolled around and it was time for me to leave. I asked God if He’d tell me anything before I left, and I finally got an answer:
“I’ve already taught you something today.”
He did. I learned an important lesson that day.
By not trusting God and insisting on going my own way, I wasted a lot of time and energy, and I ended up where He wanted me to go in the first place. It reminded me again of Jonah and his futile attempt to run from God’s calling for him to go to Nineveh (Jon. 1:2): Jonah thought he could flee by ship but was caught up in a violent storm (vv. 3-4), thrown overboard (v. 15), swallowed by a huge fish (v. 17), and vomited onto the beach (Jon. 2:10). Jonah ended up going to Nineveh anyway, doing what God had asked him to do in the first place (Jon. 3:3).
I left Balboa Peninsula and took the ferry back to the mainland. As I gazed out upon the waters, a large sea lion surfaced nearby and floated there for a good 10 seconds, facing me squarely.
Maybe I did discern God’s will correctly– that my calling was not to keep working on the show, but to serve Him, work at a church, and become a pastor someday. I didn’t know how all of this would play out, but I left the beach that day with a deeper sense of trust in the Lord.
Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails. (Proverbs 19:21)
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