The word of the Lord came to Jonah son of Amittai: “Go to the great city of Nineveh and preach against it, because its wickedness has come up before me.” But Jonah ran away from the Lord…(Jonah 1:1-3a NIV)
In the early summer of 2005, a new executive took over the channel that our show was to air on and began to offer input that I didn’t agree with.
I spoke up, saying that the changes she was asking for would completely change the tone of the show. It would no longer have my voice. It would no longer be my show.
She replied that if I didn’t like her suggestions, she’d have no problem canceling it.
She said it. The dreaded C-word.
The threat of cancellation should have scared me straight, but it didn’t. Instead, I took it as a confirmation of the words I had heard in my dream a few months earlier: that the show wouldn’t last very long, and that I would ultimately serve God instead.
I had responded by telling God that I was too busy working on the show to serve Him right away and would do something after production was over, and now, here I was, facing the very real possibility that production would end before a single episode of the show ever aired.
That’s what I got for trying to “pull a Jonah.”
God called Jonah to preach to the people of Nineveh, but Jonah didn’t want to, so he attempted to flee. He boarded a ship, from which the crew threw him overboard during a terrible storm (Jonah 1:3-16). Jonah was swallowed by a great fish (v.17) and spit out onto the shore (Jon. 2:10), where God again told him to go to Nineveh. He finally obeyed and went (Jon. 3:1-3).
Running from God is futile. You don’t escape; you merely prolong the process.
Sure enough, talks with the network deteriorated throughout the summer and cancellation seemed imminent. Meanwhile, I went through some spiritually funky stuff.
When I first started production on the show, I had a dream in which an unseen figure told me to bow to it if I wanted the show to succeed.
I replied that I would bow only to God, even if that meant losing the show.
Well, whatever was behind that dream might not have been happy about my decision, and it tried to intimidate me as I began to let go of the show and pursue more of God instead.
That summer, I began to experience severe bouts of sleep paralysis.
Sleep Paralysis AKA Night Terrors
The sensation was always the same: first, I’d feel my wrists and ankles being clamped down.
Then, a heavy weight would press down on my chest, restricting my breathing.
I’d be awake, fully aware of my surroundings– I could see the ceiling of my bedroom, faintly lit by moonlight filtered through the blinds, and hear what was happening around me, but I’d remain immobilized.
The sensation was terrifying; hence, the nickname “night terrors.”
I had experienced night terrors a few times when I was in Indonesia, but this summer, they became so intense and so frequent, I’d be afraid to go into the bedroom when Soo wasn’t around.
One incident was so frightening, I went online the very next morning and did a search on what I’d experienced. I found the medical explanation for sleep paralysis and learned that there have been documented cases of young Hmong men dying during these episodes; this reportedly served as the inspiration for the horror film, A Nightmare on Elm Street.
Some websites attributed sleep paralysis to being abducted by aliens, and while I never believed that, I did see how some people might imagine that was the case– it often did feel like there was a flurry of activity going on around me while I was unable to move, feeling strapped down to my bed.
One website I came across attributed sleep paralysis to demonic oppression, and while this could sound just as far-fetched as alien abduction, something about it resonated with me.
I started to dig deeper, and the more I read about this explanation, the more I could relate, and the more curious I became about the Bible. Could this book that I had, for years, dismissed as nothing more than a collection of Jewish folklore, actually be true?
Something clicked when I read one verse in particular:
For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. (Ephesians 6:12 NIV)
My worldview started to fall into place upon reading this.
I looked back at my life and could see how the spiritual realm had intersected with my day-to-day life in both good ways and bad. This would explain why I had dreams that came true about meeting and marrying my wife as well as dreams that gave me the heebie-jeebies.
I recalled the words that I heard in my sleep earlier that year– that my show would not last very long and I’d end up serving in ministry– and surrendered the situation to God.
I remembered that I was supposed to start by joining a small group, so I explored this while production on the show was placed on hiatus due to the ongoing dispute with the network.
Since none of the existing small groups at our church were open, Soo and I signed up for a four-week small group launch that began in the fall. We arrived at our assigned table on the first night: there were twelve seats, but only one other couple showed up, so eight seats remained vacant.
The small group pastor and coaches told us not to worry, as they could plug us into a larger group, but the four of us hit if off and decided to start our own small group, trusting that God would grow it if he wanted to.
The second night of the weekly class happened to fall on the same day that the axe officially fell on the show. Although I had been expecting it and saw this as part of God’s greater plan, I couldn’t help but grieve, for my longtime dream of working on my own cartoon was dead.
On the third night of class, each new small group was asked to appoint a leader, and the other three members of our group nominated me. I had never even been in a small group before, and they wanted me to lead one? I wondered if perhaps this was one of the reasons why I was supposed to join a small group– maybe God was using this to prepare me for ministry.
I accepted the role and became a small group leader.
I didn’t take the responsibility lightly. I resolved to read every word in the Bible, study whatever supporting materials I could get my hands on, and continually ask for God’s guidance.
So here I was, a fresh, green small group leader. My show was done and I was serving the church, fulfilling part of the calling I received, but there was one major issue to resolve.
I wasn’t sure if I was even a believer yet.
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