Before the resurrection, there is crucifixion.

On Easter Sunday, we celebrated the Resurrection of Jesus Christ. On Good Friday, we remembered that Jesus died a horrific death on a cross for us.

But what about Saturday? The day when Jesus was dead and buried and his disciples thought that all was lost?

I’ve been through seasons that felt like that Saturday, when my hopes were dead and I felt defeated. But God reminded me that “Unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit” (John 12:24 ESV).

Two years ago—almost to the day—I had just come to terms with letting go of my hopes of ever finishing my seminary degree. I just couldn’t afford the tuition. Thus, after much prayer, discernment, and a life-changing trip to Vietnam, I made the difficult decision to stop taking classes.

Through that process, God helped me see that I was still finding my identity in ministry. Letting go of seminary was an important part of my healing process.

So, I let it go, and I learned to be OK with it.

Well, kind of.

Every few months, I would try to resurrect this dream and figure out ways to pay for tuition, but unforeseen expenses would pop up. For example, both of our cars died in 2019 and we ended up having to buy replacement vehicles.

We had even more bills to pay, making tuition even less affordable. My wife even started working to help us make ends meet.

I again let go of any hopes of finishing my degree.

But just a few months later, that desire to finish would resurface. I’d start praying and asking God if there was anything I could do to earn some extra money to help pay for tuition.

“No,” was the impression I’d get. “Don’t do anything. Just be faithful day to day.”

It was like Jesus telling me to not worry about tomorrow, for each day has its own troubles (Matt 6:34). Or like when James writes, “Come now, you who say, ‘Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit’— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring” (James 4:13).

Just be faithful day to day.

Then, these verses resonated in a loud, new way when COVID lockdowns hit a year ago, disrupting everyone’s plans. All we could do was remain faithful day to day because nobody knew what tomorrow would bring.

I had to finally and completely let go of my dreams of finishing my seminary degree.

I had to let that grain of wheat fall to the earth and die.

The seed was dead to me, but Jesus said, “Night and day, whether he sleeps or gets up, the seed sprouts and grows, though he does not know how” (Mark 4:27).

Summer came and went. Then, last fall, I suddenly had this pressing desire to log into my seminary account and look at my transcripts. I saw how far along I had come and how near I was to the end of the program.

What a pity, I thought to myself. But, if God wants me to let this go, I’m letting it go.

I prayed—not a desperate, on-your-knees kind of prayer, but a casual one. “God, if You want me to finish seminary, You’ll need to work things out because I can’t do this on my own.”

The next day—less than 24 hours later—I got an email offering me a grant to finish my degree.

Was this God? I couldn’t believe the timing.

First, I reached out to my men’s group for prayer. Then, I replied to the email and thanked them for offering the grant, which covered about 25% of tuition. Next, I asked what steps I’d need to take to apply for a student loan to pay for the rest.

Fast-forward one week, after a series of meetings. It turned out I wouldn’t need a loan because I was awarded a scholarship in addition to the grant. And, because these funds had to be used within a year, they agreed to let me transfer to a shorter program, which I hadn’t previously qualified for.

However, in order to finish within this time frame, I’d have to take two classes per quarter—on top of my full-time job, the part-time work I often do, and time with my family. I’d never taken two classes per quarter before because I just never had the bandwidth to do so.

But because of the pandemic, I now work from home and no longer have to commute. This means that 90 minutes per day have been freed up for me to use on my studies instead.

Now, I see why God was telling me to not waste time trying to earn more money for tuition, but to just be faithful day to day.

“The seed sprouts and grows, though he does not know how.”

God knew two years ago that the time would come when He would provide a way for me to finish seminary.

God knew that the time would come when I’d be working from home with more time and energy to spend on my studies.

And God knew that I needed that extra time to heal from the pain of my transition out of full-time ministry. By the time I resumed taking classes last fall, I was in a much better place spiritually: my desire to finish was no longer to prove my worth, but to be better equipped to serve others.

God willing, I will finally graduate with a Master’s in Theology and Ministry later this year, eight years after I started (which is itself another God story).

The seed that died has sprouted, and I look forward to seeing it grow and bear fruit—not for me personally, but for God’s people, to God’s glory.